Last year was a rough year for me. It was basically blow after blow, and it doesn't matter how positive you try to be. The negativity always catches up. And then here comes 2015 and I still feel like I'm reliving the same thing over again. It's a vicious cycle I must say.
It may not have seemed that way to other people because I'm good at hiding my feelings, but I can’t blame them. I’m not one to open up, not even to some of my closest friends. I went through a lot of bad days, trying to fight my inner thoughts. But earlier, I came across this quote and it perfectly describes my situation.
"Note to self: every time you were convinced you couldn’t go on, you did." ―Destiny S.
To be fair, I had more good days than bad ones this year. But, of course, when you’re in the middle of a bad one, you completely forget all the things that make you happy and you should be thankful for. At least, that’s what happens to me. But I did go on. I did move forward. And I’m glad I did. Plus, It's a good thing that I have a job now, cos it somehow distracts me from all the chaos.
This is just a glimpse of my life and my thoughts. I don’t think I’ll ever fully explain what I’ve gone through to anyone because I don’t even know where I would begin. And because I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like exposing my deepest emotions. And maybe that’s the reason why I’d rather pretend that I can’t feel. Sometimes I’m not even sure I’m pretending. Sometimes it feels like I’ve mastered the art of indifference whenever I’m around other people.
But the truth is this: I do have feelings. I’m vulnerable. I’m a wreck. I have hurricane of emotions.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the next few years. I just hope I’ll have the strength to go on again and again.
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