It's amazing how one's life can change so much in such a short period of time. It's exactly 10 months since I got into my first job and my life couldn't be more different now. Not just my life, really. I am become different. But it's a good kind of different, you know? Some nights when I'm lying on my bed waiting to fall asleep, I just think about my life in general; and sometimes I specifically think about who I used to be and what type of person I'm turning into. It now amazes me whenever I think of the shitty things I'd done in the past, things that now haunts me, things that I certainly wouldn't do anymore at this point in my life. But if given a chance to go back, I believe I wouldn't change anything nonetheless. Why? Simple because every single shitty decisions I had made has brought me here. And I like it here. I like the me now. I'm in my late 20's and I haven't majorly f*cked up my life. I'd done things I shouldn't be proud of, but who hasn't? I do get some panic attack every now and then when I think of the FUTURE (because let's get real. that thing is scary), but I'm teaching my self to calm down because I'm still young. And it's not like I'm throwing my life away. I have a job. So, not bad at all.
I can't say that there are no more bad days, but there's been huge improvement. Perhaps I've learned to love myself a lot more. Perhaps I'm looking at the world from a different perspetive. Perhaps it's a lot of little things that, when put together, are giving me the ability to truly appreciate life. Whatever it is, I'm gonna hold on to it tight. Because this is one of the best feelings in the world.
January 31, 2015
January 25, 2015
A penny for my thoughts
I haven’t been in the mood to post anything these past few months because I was too busy trying not to drown. But here I am now. This is not a happy blog entry though.
Last year was a rough year for me. It was basically blow after blow, and it doesn't matter how positive you try to be. The negativity always catches up. And then here comes 2015 and I still feel like I'm reliving the same thing over again. It's a vicious cycle I must say.
It may not have seemed that way to other people because I'm good at hiding my feelings, but I can’t blame them. I’m not one to open up, not even to some of my closest friends. I went through a lot of bad days, trying to fight my inner thoughts. But earlier, I came across this quote and it perfectly describes my situation.
"Note to self: every time you were convinced you couldn’t go on, you did." ―Destiny S.
To be fair, I had more good days than bad ones this year. But, of course, when you’re in the middle of a bad one, you completely forget all the things that make you happy and you should be thankful for. At least, that’s what happens to me. But I did go on. I did move forward. And I’m glad I did. Plus, It's a good thing that I have a job now, cos it somehow distracts me from all the chaos.
This is just a glimpse of my life and my thoughts. I don’t think I’ll ever fully explain what I’ve gone through to anyone because I don’t even know where I would begin. And because I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like exposing my deepest emotions. And maybe that’s the reason why I’d rather pretend that I can’t feel. Sometimes I’m not even sure I’m pretending. Sometimes it feels like I’ve mastered the art of indifference whenever I’m around other people.
Last year was a rough year for me. It was basically blow after blow, and it doesn't matter how positive you try to be. The negativity always catches up. And then here comes 2015 and I still feel like I'm reliving the same thing over again. It's a vicious cycle I must say.
It may not have seemed that way to other people because I'm good at hiding my feelings, but I can’t blame them. I’m not one to open up, not even to some of my closest friends. I went through a lot of bad days, trying to fight my inner thoughts. But earlier, I came across this quote and it perfectly describes my situation.
"Note to self: every time you were convinced you couldn’t go on, you did." ―Destiny S.
To be fair, I had more good days than bad ones this year. But, of course, when you’re in the middle of a bad one, you completely forget all the things that make you happy and you should be thankful for. At least, that’s what happens to me. But I did go on. I did move forward. And I’m glad I did. Plus, It's a good thing that I have a job now, cos it somehow distracts me from all the chaos.
This is just a glimpse of my life and my thoughts. I don’t think I’ll ever fully explain what I’ve gone through to anyone because I don’t even know where I would begin. And because I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like exposing my deepest emotions. And maybe that’s the reason why I’d rather pretend that I can’t feel. Sometimes I’m not even sure I’m pretending. Sometimes it feels like I’ve mastered the art of indifference whenever I’m around other people.
But the truth is this: I do have feelings. I’m vulnerable. I’m a wreck. I have hurricane of emotions.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the next few years. I just hope I’ll have the strength to go on again and again.
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